Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Let’s confirm a few ideas/thoughts – concepts that exist in here. Never trust. Never let down your guard. Continue with criminal behavior. Do what you have to do to keep everyone at bay and on the defensive. Well that’s how most exist in here. It’s not like I’m some special person (I am! Ha!) It’s I try to get everything out of a situation. In here it’s solitude. It’s loneliness. It’s contemplation. Look at yourself 360°
degrees. If you need to step out – so be it. Well I deal with my rage (soon I won’t personify) my sadness. Despair. Just that immense hollow that attempts consumption. But I get tired. Wiped out. It’s the lot I’ve chosen but my actions are not always on target. My issues are with mankind & the mistakes we make – but the deeper I look & have. I keep coming back to God & the concept of our purpose. What is the purpose? To discover pain. To understand suffering. Explain that to all who have lost someone. That void. That great big horrid pain. So we march on .We drag with us those who can’t walk. We continue. We continue to fight. To hurt. To continue this cycle of despair. I’m done. My acts of inappropriateness & stupidity are waning – soon no exist. My issues are with the Maker & that is my plan of attack. There will always be suffering & misunderstandings & the chaos of nature. It’s when I indulge that chaos that I set my self on fire. I so regret the pain I’ve caused the ones I turned my back on. I am truly sorry & every day I strive to create less stress – chaos. I’m learning to walk away. Not to indulge my own stupidity or other’s. My celly sings at random. These slow deep warbling Gospel songs. I can’t always understand the lyrics but his voice is beautiful. Yesterday after group I walked I was so tweeked. So like I was covered in something - bugs? Wet liquid? Something. I came back to the cell. We talked & talked and I could feel my pain rising – silence. Then his voice & the river I become. Became. All the pain. All the pain.

If anything, please hug someone after you read this. Someone. & remember all we have is each other.
All we have.