I grew up with my mother reminding me, “no man is an island”. Blah blah & I was like, “yeah, he’s a man. Not an island”. Such a smart ass & at 51 I’m still that child but now I accept the community of. This community. Our community. Now New Order on radio and Derek Jarman in my heart and mind. The indulgence of isolation. You take my loves. My world. & I will always seek & find that dry landscape. So much to feel so much to say. Prison is not as bad as you think but worse than you can imagine & I think some of you get it without having to get it. I test stoves. Actually that was my first job. God, I miss you. The fact that Kelly has made this, this possible. The litany of friends who do get this. This system is so so flawed as mankind. The left hand ignores the right & we all die alone. This heat is liberating. I welcome sweat as I do the mail. Bring it on!
I do get such touching, amazing letters & I really don’t go into but at the risk of…..I will.
When I read Dave Stacy’s statement that, “I’m guessing that the experience of time in there makes for a completely different reality”, it was so right on & that he didn’t think he’s ever referred to it quite like that. Stacy also expresses such intense love & understanding that frankly I don’t think I’m worthy, but I will make myself. Matt writes, “Everything forgiven ( no need in the first place), no one forgotten”. Kelly can’t wait to pick me up & spend the week with me. It has been like another country. Another reality. What point served? Was I, are we, that horrid? Is this where we must go? Do we as a society understand forgiveness- redemption – humanity?
My God, every morning Evan dies. Every time I open my eyes I remember. So this existence is so flat. I have to laugh; poor Kelly has lost her back bedroom to boxes & boxes of projects I’ve sent home. Whether poetry or leather or pottery or beaded belts – books. I took advantage of this, this displacement. Derek Jarman reminds me of the power of blue & to always go forward. To take Dec 22 as that reminder that every moment has power. Speaks volumes of who are we and what are we doing. Is there meaning & to redefine, to look into the past & weave a new future. A fantastic future that is here & to serve. Not giving up. So this is ending without ending. Just my location. I refuse to feel dirty. To feel as if I’ve done this huge wrong to society. This state attempted to take 2 ½ years of my life. I have used those 2 ½ years to open myself up. To constantly get up. To never give up. Whether rain, blizzard, this heat, I’ve walked averaging 100 miles a week. I’ve learned to shut my mouth. To speak loud. To find hours in a minute. To be home. To breathe. To pray. To survive. To flower & to not give a fuck. I have become jaded but dismissive. To listen. To anticipate violence & to accept love. I guess most important I’ve learned to ask for help. Learning patience. Welcome freedom. The liberty across my chest screams.