I was just taking a leak & thought I have 1 more Thursday then tomorrow 1 more Friday. Today the panic hit hard. Only a little more than a week & so many projects to finish. R & S’s vases. Noah’s belt. Stacy’s. 2 Guitar straps. Going to type up See You In the the Morn(ing), misc bracelets. The belt buckles. Finish Elliott Smith, amazing book. Order bio of Pasolini. Letters to write & I want to do a few paintings, poems & mugs. I want to do 4 more beer mugs. So the panic wavers. Oh to do prison with your loved ones. I imagine that may sound strange. I was just walking with Levi. We were talking of this brotherhood. When we get it & truly invest in it, it’s profound. Not the criminal, but some aspects apply. It’s that we’ve been physically, mentally, spiritually, intellectually, creatively stripped. Naked we stand & we slowly dress ourselves together. Today a close friend asked if he had a pimple on his head. “Yes”, I replied. “Can you squeeze it?”
“Sure”. And I did. It’s not something I do but here within the context of our/this relationship it was ok. We look out for each other. Feed each other. Talk to each other. We sing. We run together. We shovel snow when the track is covered. We share anger at our behavior at the C.O.’s at the system. At this/our life. So when I say 1 more Thursday it’s the definition of bittersweet. I will hold you & we will cry & we’ll be so happy. I’m leaving brothers forever. Some released a month after, Aaron, Levi 1 year. Conley 2 months. But some never. Some were cellys. Some ate with. Talked with.
Picasso said, “Nothing can come about without loneliness. I have created a loneliness for myself which no one can imagine.” Some guys tell me how they will miss me & will I write. No, you’ll forget. Some know of my overwhelming need to make things. To never sit still. They don’t know & if they do they don’t understand this blog. Even falling away from I have continued. Even though you haven’t. If you don’t get in trouble here, if it seems questionable, “they” say, “you’re manipulating the system.” I reply “I’m taking advantage of the/this situation”. Each moment is simply that. Each moment. Whether I’m washing dishes or doing push-ups in prison. It’s it’s own moment. I experienced those moments & then I forgot. I began to re-act. Just doing it. Then Evan died & I slowly stopped caring. Stopped living & just went thru those motions & I forgot you. All of you. Most all Noah. Then here where every day is counted. Where 4 times a day every thing is stopped & everyone is counted. At first you brace yourself. Then it becomes second nature & am I institutionalized. Then fuck that & you act out. Then why? Then it becomes the sun rising. Setting. Rain. Snow. It becomes nature. It moves past distraction to this is how this goes. Pretty soon when count is late you get concerned that something is up. Then soon after that you go home. First 1 more Thursday, then that Thursday then I see Kelly, Noah & Evan Henry. & then you.