I came down with the sadness today at about 3:00pm.
I’ve suffered from this off & on for so many years. It’s not depression. Not a chemical imbalance. I am not bipolar. It’s not hormonal. And no – alcohol is not involved. I’ve been to the doctor about it. It’s just that everyone once in a while I feel the sorrow of the universe. Sometimes it leaves in a day or two. Sometimes longer. I still function as I do but there is no happiness in anything.
Nothing I know of seems to trigger it. It just comes to me.
My friends & family who understand this about me will, after their first reaction of “is it something I did?” will either talk me thru things or just leave me alone because they know I have to deal with it on my own.
What do I feel during this time? Just a deep sadness. Emptiness. Like something, someone, everyone - is hurting at the same time and have placed all those feelings unto me to take care of for them. Think of the saddest time of your life and magnify it. Then magnify it again.
I will sob, wail, lament. Real tears will stream down my face. There is no particular thought going thru my mind except - why? Why “what?” I am not sure. Why is there so much sadness in the world and why do I have to feel it? I will say this out loud. I will start talking to God and ask why there is so much pain in this world. I will ask God to let me go home because things are too hard in this life. Things aren’t working out here. I will ask Jesus why He did what He did for a bunch of ungrateful people who never learned a thing from it. Did it really matter? People are so horrible to each other. I can’t stand it. I will cry for those I know and those I do not. I will cry for you.
I will write pages and pages of my thoughts. I will listen to my Ipod and have Michael Stipe tell me over and over again –“Not every one can carry the weight of the world”.
I will reply with “true, not every one can. But why do I have to? I will listen to The Hurting and I will listen to David Bowie’s “Heroes”. I will go to bed crying and go to work the next day and smile at every one with nothing is wrong but throughout the day I will get teary eyed. Need to focus at work but night time will come again and I will have to deal with it.
When does the sadness leave? It is different every time. Usually it is sparked by a phone conversation. Something I saw on tv. It could even be that I saw someone hold a door open for someone. It could be that I took one of the kids to lunch or a movie or baby sat for one of them. I never know. When it comes I am my happy self again. Maybe even happier than ever before. I see beauty again. And when I am alone with my thoughts I sob & wail - Thank you God. Thank you for everything. Thank you Jesus for what You did. Lord knows I could never do it. I understand why I can’t go home yet. I tell God, You know I am going to come to You like this again, right? And God let’s me know - Come as much as you want – that’s what I’m here for.
I believe you have to figure yourself out by yourself. That includes everything in your life. I know I am a sensitive person. I do feel the universe at times. (Actually a psychic told me that I am in tune with the universe once but I didn’t believe it at the time.) Do I like it? No. It sucks. This is what this life has given me so I will take it.
I just hope this bout with the sadness goes a way quickly. – kc