Tuesday, September 11, 2007


I am still suffering the sadness so I am going to see my friend John who understands it.
I remember when I first told him how I suffer sometimes and how I wanted to go home. He didn’t get what I meant at first. He thought I was suicidal. Not at all. Not ever. He eventually told me I freaked him out. Sorry!!!

I should explain -

I do believe in reincarnation. I believe we are all here because we chose to come back. I believe we agree to come back to finish something we started. Have you ever met someone that you get along with perfectly and may have said - We must have known each other in a previous life. – I think that goes the other way too. Have you ever met someone who you just don’t like for reasons you can’t explain or they just don’t like you for unexplained reasons? Perhaps that was someone you hurt or hurt you in a previous life. So me wanting to go ‘home’ is saying I want to get out of here because I want to get back to where I belong. That I think I made a mistake returning here. Spoiled, whining brat that I am - God practices tough love when you need it. Anyways, that is just one thing I believe even though I have no idea what any of my past lives where like. I don’t have enough time or money to explore that. Maybe some day.

I am going to see John because I am sad. I know he will listen to me. I am going to see John because I just want to. Is it wrong of me to go to him with my current sadness and just want to talk about myself with him in his current circumstance? Oh hell no. That is what friends are for.

To be honest, when my alarm went off, I really didn’t want to go. I was sad and just felt like staying in bed all day. But the radio alarm was playing Wish You Were Here and then after that Kryptonite (3rd Eye Blind). 2 songs that make me think of John. So I know I am being told to get your sorry arse out of bed and go. So I do.

I have a great visit. I always sit in the same chair because it has a perfect view of the door where I know he will come from. It is kind of like Mystery Date each time the door opens. You hope for the prize but you have to go thru a lot of others before he comes out.
Of course there is a ton to talk about. More than once he has me in tears, laughing with stories. I just can’t imagine being in there - and his telling of the stories and my internalizing them into “my” perspective – sometimes you just have to laugh. Of course you are always being watched so I, having a huge laugh, must contain myself. He asks me how I am and I tell him my current state. He asks a few questions and then kind of points out to me why I just may be feeling this way right now. I hate it when he is right. Don’t you just hate it when people know more than you – about yourself? Ok you are probably right but I don’t know what the solution is. When I get up to leave he gives me a big ginormous hug and says to me “I hope you get over your sadness soon”.

This day I am also going to my Z-boy’s 4th birthday party. Z is Tom’s son. He is my “great” nephew. Family joke – after Z was born all my ‘regular” nephews have been demoted to “mediocre” nephews. (All my boys know I am joking. They love Z as much as I do).

I grab my requested taco dip and a big bag of gifts. I get to Tom’s house and Z is taking a nap. I hang out in the kitchen and Tom & I talk about whatever. I hear Z upstairs and his dad goes to get him. Z hears me in the kitchen and I hear him from upstairs – he says – in his beautiful loving voice – “Daddy, my Kelly is here!” He comes down the stairs and peeks over the door and has his biggest smile.

“Happy Birthday Z!”
He comes running to me and says “Happy Birthday!”
“No babes - It’s your birthday!”
Big hug & kiss.

A very nice party. Lots of family and friends.

John may have helped me thru my sadness but Z brought the joy back.
Z is pure joy.

The sadness is gone.

Happy Birthday Z – You mean everything to me. I love you.

Your Kelly

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