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Thoughts and Reflections

I am still feeling the sadness. It is a little better.

Sometimes it’s really nice to know I am not the only one who does a lot of self analysis.

The following was written by some one I truly love & adore – my oldest nephew – Thomas. This was written before my current bout with the sadness, but, as I told the boy, I could have easily written this any time in my late 20’s to early 30’s. I have felt this way so many times.

John thought it was a great piece of writing. Such great thoughts and insights from a young man who (as I told John) has everything going for him. John said to me that perhaps I come from a family of thinkers. That maybe we think too much which is great but can be painful. Maybe that is true. Perhaps we think too much because we have that luxury of trying to figure these lives of ours out because we do, for the most part, after our individual crap is over with, live semi-charmed lives.

August 9, 2007 - Thursday

when the day is gone.... Current mood: contemplative
all that's left is a memory. and those fade. last night i was watching a show about the blueman group. while watching it the memory just popped into my head that i was a part of a blueman show. i was brought up on stage, backstage, got to participate. it was so amazing- yet it was something that i had completely forgotten about until i saw that show and the memory popped back from deep inside my brain.
it just reminded me of how much we need to cherish each day that we have. time goes by so quickly, we need to appreciate the experiences we have every day. because those experiences don't last long- the memories will be all that we have, and those often can disappear so easily. just made me think- how much of my life was wasted because i didn't appreciate it enough when i was going through it. how many other good things have i gone through, and they're now lost somewhere inside my head? so many things in life are so amazing, yet we don't appreciate them enough until we look back on the memories. by then it's too late.
i know i have done this far too much in my life- i would focus on the negatives, or focus on the future- and not completely appreciate every day, every experience that i go through. every thing in life can be seen as positive- even hard times, because we learn something from them, we usually become stronger from them. our time here is limited, we need to appreciate all of it. appreciate the people around us. i know this is something i also have not done enough of in the past. i am just so thankful- thankful for the experiences i have had, thankful for the people in my life, thankful for my life. i'm sorry to all the people in my life who i didn't appreciate enough, or at least show my appreciation to. i am sorry to all those who i still may not show how much i appreciate, but i am working on it.
i went through so much of my life so negative, feeling sorry for myself at times. feeling like i was owed things for the crappy life i had to go through. i have realized that crappy life has made me who i am, it has made me stronger, it made me grow up quicker than many people, it taught me so much. i failed to look at the lessons, i failed to see the positives that came from it. no more- life is a gift, and it's as good or bad as you choose to make it. i'm not gonna allow myself to make my life bad anymore- i'm not gonna look at all the negatives, i'm not gonna worry so much about the future instead of focusing on today. everything will be ok, it will work out the way it is meant to. constantly worrying about things will not change them. we are all in control of our own happiness- time to take charge and make the best out of every day and every experience.

Thomas Conway